So I don’t know if anyone did the self harm awareness thing with the semi colon. Basically it’s where it’s where you (the author) could’ve chose to end their life but they didn’t. And that’s me. My last suicide attempt was 2 months ago. I ended up in the hospital which from there I went into a psych hospital. It was definitely an eye opener. You realise how much self harm or depression really can control your life. I even attempted in the hospital with a pencil sharpener blade. The thing you have to realise is how much pain you have to be in to get to that point. To the point to where killing yourself is the only way out. It’s not. And it took me years to figure that out. My first attempt was three years back. I was 11. Freaking eleven. My last attempt was only 2 months ago. Yes I was bullied. I’ve been bullied my entire life. I’ve been called emo, goth, nerd, geek, whore, slut, chola, beaner, wetback, pretty much every name in the book. And that’s what cause me as an 11 year old to resort to that. People don’t realise that bullying is not just teasing. It’s not just kids being kids. They’re out to hurt, probably because they’ve been hurt. I’m not the type of person who says that bullies are people who should leave the world or something bad, but I’m also not saying that bullying is something that should be excused. I’m just saying that bullying is the reason why the past three years have been nothing but a battle with myself because I started believing what they said. I really didn’t think things would get worse.
Then high school started.
My first day of high school someone told me to kill myself and die because I was just a stupid emo. So I tried. Believe me, I tried my hardest. But for some reason I didn’t succeed. And I wanted to succeed. The second day I was punched in the stomach by an upperclassmen, I couldn’t breathe. A teacher saw it all go down but didn’t do anything. I basically spent the whole day in the restroom crying. I wanted to know what the reason was for people hating me so much. So after months of being clean from cutting. I got a pencil sharpener from my backpack and took the blade out with scissors, and cut myself. I figured that I deserved it. I put my jacket on then went home. I told my mom I didn’t want to go back, she told me I had to.
The third and final day,
I was molested. I was molested by 2 upperclassmen while 2 others watched. I couldn’t fight back, they were too strong. Luckily they didn’t go as far as rape, but the saw my arm. They then got in my face and screamed emo. I once again went to the restroom and cried. And cried. And cried.
I never went back to school after that. I came down with a chronic migraine. It’s a constant migraine that never stops. There is no cure. I never Told anyone what had happened. I was embarassed. I still am.
I figure by getting this out there I could be a help to someone, help that I never got but wish I could.
There really is not point to this long post. I figure I just really need to somehow get this off my chest.
Last night I had a very close call to another attempt. But I thought about the way my mom cried when I was in the hospital, the way my dad looked at me when I had the stitches on my arm, the way my brother (he has Down’s syndrome) had this scared look on his face when he saw the cuts, the stitches and the bandages on my arm. I never want to go through that again.
I want my story to be heard. I want people to know that when the storm comes you have to wait for the sun to shine again. I’m finally seeing the sunlight. Or the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m happy. Just because you get diagnosed with depression and anxiety and all the things I am diagnosed with, it doesn’t mean you let it run your life.
And to the people who are even thinking about cutting. Don’t. Once you make that first cut, it’s a crazy ass roller coaster from there.
And if you have ever attempted suicide, I am pleased to have made your acquaintance.
If you EVER need advice or just a shoulder to cry on, never second guess talking to me. I hold no judgement and I will tell you what I think based on my past experience. And I would love to help.
I realise I can’t help everyone in the world as much as I’d like, but I can at least try to help as much as I can. If you ever want to message me or even text, just ask for my number. I am always here for you. Have a great day/night. And I hope this has somehow helped if not I am terribly sorry. This wasnt planned out so well. I basically just said whatever came to mind.
P.S. this dude here www.spoken-not-written.tumblr.com is an amazing person to talk to, I hear he’s amazing and from what I’ve seen on his blog he has a heart of gold. So also check him out.
Sorry for such a long post. Anyways cheers!